Why I Sing The Blues

He took his cane. And tried to climb uphill. His tired legs searched for a stop. His leather jacket had many stories to tell. His army boots had made many stops. And aged much like him.

With incredible grace. His long hair looked like it kept, Braided in it, several verse and song

He looked like an old Vedder...

I was getting back from work, late this evening, with a million things on my mind. And as I hurried along the sidewalk, I was forced to slow down because of this man. He looked like a former rock n roller :) He would stop every few steps, to catch his breath. I slowed down my pace behind him, thinking it would be too rude to pass him and didn't want to get too close or he may have felt pressurized to walk faster. So here I am, with my psycho-analysis, when he just stopped all of a sudden. And exclaimed, "God I just want to get home, please let me get home."

Frightened by how frail and faint he sounded I ran up to him and asked if he was ok. I was amazed at how strong and frail this man looked, all at once. He said, "My dear, could you walk with me till my house? I just want to get home. I was downtown, shootin' some pool, you know...with some old buddies o' mine. I didn't realise how difficult this climb uphill was"

I accompanied him to his house and he held my hand by the door. He said "You're a sweetheart. I have something for you."

A million eerie * shudder * thoughts ran through my head, and I thought "oh my god, why did I do this, mom was right I should never talk to strangers, oh my god, is he going to do something terribly disturbing to me, like maybe kill me? I think I can take him on, he seems frail", blah blah blah. And I could hear his voice in constant conversation with me "You know, I was born in this house? I came back here, after 6 decades..."

He came back to the door (where I ACTUALLY waited diligently) and gave me a Cd. He said "This man, this man changed my life...and we share the same name. His music will teach you several lessons for life. This is for you, take this...listen. I think you will love it."

I thanked him profusely, and strode back home, much happier than I was when I left work. Doped, dazed, or just old, I have a feeling Mr. B. B. King is going to be my friend :D

Home, that imaginary place...

A lot has happened since I wrote my last post. It is hard to summarize, put on display, the emotions, feelings and moments experienced. But I will try.

I found a home for Christmas.

On Christmas Eve, my neighbours invited me home. We had a wonderful Indian dinner. 7 Americans, to 2 Indians. But the meal was enjoyed by all. I always imagined Christmas Eve like this. There was a light flurry of snow. And at one point I stood outside, and watched my new found 'family' through the bay windows. The lights from the tree kept the house warm, along with the love that filled the atmosphere. And it touched my heart that I didn't have to pass by that very scene and walk in to an empty house as I had done on the past two Christmas's. I spent the night there, on their couch. Books, gifts and DVDs were spread on the floor right before bed time. 'Gifts from Santa' for their 2 year old son. I spent almost the entire night staring at the tree and the angel that looked down on me.

When I awoke the next morning, I could feel the 2 year olds excitement from the upstairs floor, I could hear his voice 'is Santa here?' and when he came down the stairs, the joy in his eyes was beautiful. He ran toward the gifts and one the first ones he opened was a cute little saxophone. His father was a former jazz artist. And being the wonderful sax player he is, it was a moment of sheer amazement to see father watch son play his first little note on the saxophone.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt so grateful to be included in a moment as intimate as this.

India

I remember sitting in a pub with Jo, a good colleague of mine. Constantly abused, and mentally traumatized by her dad since the age of 3. And I had a verbal diarrhea of 'family' and 'home' and 'relationships'. And she had a blank expression on her face and she said, 'I don't get it when people say, I am going 'home', I miss my family'.'I am my family. I AM home'.

And here we were, two women with completely contrasting concepts on relationships. But having a perfectly harmonious conversation.

When I packed my bags, there as a lot of anticipation, a lot of nervous tension and excitement. It took me two months to plan, order, buy each person’s gift. But every moment was precious.

And as the plane flew over India, I felt my heart racing. I kept checking the map in my little screen. Ok, now we are over Pakistan, ok now Ahmedabad. And now here, here is my first glimpse of Mumbai...the precious jewels scattered on the ground, lit up homes of family and friends. Heart racing still faster...Touchdown.

You know how when you wait for something that long, and something you really want so very badly, that you can feel your insides tearing and soul screaming. Like when you’re about to fall in love. And you're at that crucial moment, where you don't know if you should give in, or be your skeptical, cautious self. And then you fall, like the red carpet was pulled off, from under your feet. It felt like that. Coming home, felt like that.

When I awoke in the morning, to children screaming in the school opposite my apartment, a marriage procession on the streets, I felt like I had never left. And I was ok with never going back...

Meeting family and friends felt like swallowing sunshine, after years of cold, dreary winter. My trip has made me think a lot about relationships these days. How some blossomed, how some were beautiful while they lasted, how some were painful, full of work and effort, some you couldn't do without, how some slowly died, how some were nipped in the bud and others with the 'what if' questions, that never have answers...I wouldn't change a thing, I wouldn't change a single thing :)

Back Home

The flight back flew through Amsterdam, and I saw the sun rise over France, and then Prague, and then I saw it rise in Amsterdam...three sunrises.

There is so much more to do, so much more to see and experience. I am not done. I need to wander some more. I don't have hopes of 'finding myself' anymore. I want to lose myself. And take a diversion from the trodden path.

Home is now the view from my window. The white picket fence, and the first signs of grass, with spring waiting to be found, a light breeze blowing and the grass tops dipping their heads lightly, enjoying being pampered after long. This is the United States I had imagined I would experience. This very view, from this very window.

I can hear Dylan playing in the background as I crawl back under my cozy sheets.

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind, The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Sunlight

My parents visiting my home was no ordinary event.

Within a few minutes, a cold, harsh lonely room was transformed into the protective warmth and comfort I have longed for.

Within a few words, memories were awakened, dreams rekindled, and roots re-strengthened.

Within a few gestures, feelings of the purest kind were conveyed, energies of the highest order were exchanged.

Within a few steps, lifetimes were retraced, tears of happiness were shed.

Within a few heartbeats, peace prevailed, unconditional love experienced.

As I said, my parents visiting my home was no ordinary event...

It was divinely extraordinary.

Making Peace

The walk is always tough
When it comes with random thought
And I ask my mind
Often, to calm down
When I sometimes need
To calmly accept
That my thoughts can never be tamed
My feelings will always
Be kept, unkempt

Sometimes the calm of acceptance
Is everything that you need

Chelsea Morning

These words bring the inanimate to life ...

Woke up,

it was a chelsea morning,

and the first thing that I heard

Was a song outside my window,

and the traffic wrote the words

It came a-reeling up like christmas bells,

and rapping up like pipes and drums

Oh, wont you stay

Well put on the day

And well wear it till the night comes

Woke up, it was a chelsea morning,

and the first thing that I saw

Was the sun through yellow curtains,

and a rainbow on the wall

Blue, red, green and gold to welcome you,

crimson crystal beads to beckon

Oh, wont you stay

Well put on the day

Theres a sun show every second

Now the curtain opens on a portrait of today

And the streets are paved with passersby

And pigeons fly

And papers lie

Waiting to blow away

Woke up, it was a chelsea morning,

and the first thing that I knew

There was milk and toast and honey

and a bowl of oranges, too

And the sun poured in like butterscotch

and stuck to all my senses

Oh, wont you stay

Well put on the day

And well talk in present tenses

When the curtain closes

and the rainbow runs away

I will bring you incense owls by night

By candlelight

By jewel-light

If only you will stay

Pretty baby, wont you

Wake up, its a chelsea morning...

-- Joni Mitchell

Fuzz, Thank you for this CD, it's beautiful :)

Picture Perfect

I watched some fresh green grass on a small lawn outside a pretty house today. The blades seemed in high spirits, chattering away. There was a little brook that flowed alongside. The sky was clear, with clouds, like cotton. And a bird flew with his friends.

I remember drawing this very picture in a scrapbook 2 decades ago. Somewhere along the line I lost this image only to resivisit it today and discover the sheer joy that it held.

All is happy, happy, happy.

This crazy Aunt wishes...

My dear baby nephew,

When you grow up, we will have many a conversation we will call 'bonding sessions'. We will use these to discuss life, your women (or men, it's really ok - you can tell me), school, goals, vision and music. I will sometimes talk about cricket. You will try hard to understand my passion, but sometimes you won't. And that's alright. Don't worry.

We will take walks. Where I will complain of my aching bones. And you will tell me that I sound like a 100 year old when I neither am nor do I look it. I will say you're being nice and that is one quality you got from me.

From time to time I will become nostalgic and tell you to live life to the fullest, like your dad, my brother - always did.

Yes, your dad was a pretty crazy man. But he somewhere decided to become more intense and serious with life. Or rather, let me correct myself. Your father was ALWAYS intense. About everything. The good things and the bad things. And somewhere decided to become more intense and serious about the good things.

We will laugh loudly. At jokes big and small. I will tend to giggle too at many points. Yeah...that won't ever go away.

And of course we will analyse lyrics to rock 'n' roll. Always stick to that music. It is eternal. If you like rap, you will get one.

There could be heartbreaks. But it is important to find love, and if a few heartbreaks lead to finding it, they are ok. Take them in your stride and make peace with them. And the truth is the feeling of being in love is always beautiful, whether it is for real or not. Don't be afraid to let emotions in. Don't bottle them up, they tend to get nasty.

You will find that I tend to get philosophical from time to time. Only because I am. I had a panic attack once in school. I fainted and recovered. Was alone at home. But went outside and meditated. And I didn't realise but I was staring at a statue of Gautam Buddha on the porch while meditating. I seldom believe in signs. But if there ever was one, this was it. I was meant to be peaceful. And I will do all I can to achieve this. And so must you.

Always travel, if you need money to do it, I will help you. Every birthday, festival and achievement of yours I put aside $5, which I will give you when you ready to travel. I want you to spend this money on buying books and awakening your mind. Also, learn to speak Hindi, and read our mythological tales. Amar Chitra Kathas are wonderful.

So this is what I call Gyaan, and brace your self for a lot of it. Just remember wherever I am and whatever I am doing with life is irrelevant. If you ever need an agent, call me. I'm in the book and I WILL show you the money.

For now let me go back to watching you go pitter-patter across the floor, like a beautiful lil' butterfly...